The really bad day

I’m just not cut out for this.

Of course you are. You’re just having a bad day.

No. I’m not. It’s every day. I can’t do this anymore. I hate it.

 

This conversation takes place between my husband and me every couple of months or so, usually with me in tears. I have a day in which everyone’s cranky, noncompliant, bored, or refusing to do anything I suggest. I lose my patience, roll my eyes, avoid interaction, answer them curtly, and yell. A lot.

This is hard for me to admit, although I know so many other moms can relate.

Thursday morning when I got up, I found the bathroom cabinets open (yes, we hid the plungers), and it was decorated in the soft white plushness that is half a roll of toilet paper. Both big girls emerged from Zoe’s room, Rachel carrying the other half of the roll and tearing off square by square, letting it fall daintily to the floor.

I rubbed my still sleepy eyes and ushered her back into the bathroom to pick up the mess. She vehemently refused multiple coaxings and ignored multiple warnings, which sent us both into a tailspin of time out, crying, and frustration. What a way to start a day. Wasn’t it bad enough that I woke up thinking it was Friday?

Breakfast: eggs burned, kids screamed at each other (this starts out as a fun competition and then turns very, very bad), and every step I took fell on rogue crumbs that escape every run of the broom I take. I was done, and it wasn’t even 8am yet.

Christian somehow knows when I need him most. maybe it’s the death look on my face. He stayed home to work, and although he spent most of the day in his office (which is our bedroom, but doesn’t “office” sound professional and systems administratory?), he was able to pop out when he felt that I was about to go on a murderous rampage. Damn, I’m a lucky woman.

Nothing could save me. Everything they did annoyed me from the “Mommy! Mommy! Mooooommmmmyyyyyy!” to the fact that they just take their own damn sweet time in everything — especially going potty.ย All I wanted them to do was go away so I could suffer in peace without someone sitting on me, pulling on me, or asking for something. When Christian came in to help keep the peace I flew to our room and burst into tears. I didn’t like the mom I was being, but I literally couldn’t pull the calm Leigh Ann out from the Leigh Ann who was reacting irrationally.

The thing is, there really wasn’t anything about that day that was that bad. Some days all of the lines are blurred and I can’t tell — was it really them? Or was it me? Did they really act like complete a-holes? Or was I the a-hole for yelling at them when all they did was spill their bowl of goldfish, but really that was just the icing on the cake comprised of the toilet paper decorations, the burned eggs, the fighting over a stupid Batgirl Little People figurine, ย the hitting and pushing that I don’t know how to discourage, and the fact that they just don’t want to do ANYTHING but mill around and torture me to a slow, agonizing demise.

When I get in these moods, the walls start closing in on me and I can’t breathe. All of the sudden it’s not just the kids or the bad day. Everything starts jumping out at me: the rogue crumbs on the tile, the dining table (my office, ahem) that no matter how often I try to clear it, toys and papers just keep piling up, the carpet that I haven’t had a chance to vacuum, the random parts of toys that are scattered every which way, the 2 — make that 3 baskets of laundry that have been sitting there so long, I’ve lost track of which is clean and which is dirty.

And all of the sudden it just all becomes too much and I completely lose myself in the OMG LOOK AT EVERYTHING THAT I CAN’T GET DONE BECAUSE I AM CHASING/FEEDING/CONSOLING/BREAKING UP/ENTERTAINING/TRYING TO FLEE FROM THESE KIDS. The more they want or need me, the more I try to escape them.

The past week has been rough. If you know me, I often say I’ve had a rough week. Because I guess all my weeks are kind of rough. But this week? Kicked. My. Ass. I’m on a mission to reverse my way of thinking and change my reactions. I know I’m not doing right by them. They’re four and two. They deserve someone who’s going to be a positive impact on them, not someone whose faces change so often that they don’t know what to expect from one minute to the next. I just hope that I can indeed change and that this isn’t the mom I’m meant to be. Because if I don’t even like me, they sure as hell aren’t going to.

twins carseats Britax Boulevard
Aren't the sweet when they're asleep? And OMG WHERE IS ZOE???

 

 

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24 Comments

  1. Ugh. I’m so sorry. This sounds like a very bad day indeed. There’s nothing worse than everything falling apart by 8am.
    I dread those days- because I can tell they’re coming. I don’t think you’re a bad mom, I think you’re a human being doing the best that you can. I yell more than I want to. In fact, I am hoping now that it’s warmer and the windows are open I’ll remember that and tone it down ๐Ÿ™‚
    I hope you have a good streak coming. You deserve it. Twins + are no joke lady. No joke.

    1. Thanks Farrah. I KNOW you understand! We’ve been on a downward spiral of bad behavior fueling anger fueling more bad behavior. I’m on it though and already feel better. ๐Ÿ™‚ and the windows? Nothing worse than yelling, then realizing your windows are open. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. My post at the beginning of the week was somewhat like this … but then the next day was a new one and it was better.
    Then the day after, most of it was good.
    Half of the next day was a little annoying. then all of today was good … so there!
    Ups and downs.
    You are not a bad Mother, you are a real Mother.
    Virtual hugs xxx

    1. Thanks, Nicole. Real is right. And isn’t it funny how a really bad day can make the next day seem like Heaven? I think it’s a reality check

  3. My heart goes out to you. I wish for the next days to be better.

    And I think about how our mothers may have felt like this, but didn’t have anyone to share it with. I’m sitting in Norway, reading this, and hoping that when the day comes that I have such a day with my kids (in the distant future, seeing as we have none yet) I’ll think about this and know I’m not alone. So from the future me, thank you.

    Hugs from Hallie

    1. The internet is awesome, isn’t it? From Norway? How cool! I feel so international. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. I think this is such an incredible post. So many of us feel like this but it’s hard to put out there. The anxiety and overwhelming feelings of motherhood seem to build up and surprise us and then they are quickly followed by guilt.
    You are an incredible mother and I love you for writing this.
    I have no doubt that you will help other women with this.
    Xo

    1. Thank you, friend. It’s not something I love to admit, but being someone who doesn’t always love the sunshine and “everything’s rosy!” people, I had to say it. To make myself feel better, and to let others know that I’m real. And I’m loving the responses.

  5. I know that it doesn’t mean much, since I only have one little one, but I know how you feel. Sometimes, Cheyenne just really gets on my last nerve and I am done. It’s times like those that I really wish her dad (or a father figure) was here to rescue me and let me cool down. I have to just muddle through and try to calm down. I often feel guilty after I have yelled at her because I know that even though she didn’t do what I asked her to or did whatever sent me over the edge, she is only 2 1/2 and going through a learning curve. I can’t expect her to behave like an adult, even though I wish she would just do what I want her to do. Maybe some of that is my controlling personality, so I am having to learn to let go of that to an extent and try not to yell so much. I don’t want her to think that yelling is the correct way to handle things, so I am trying to get a handle on my emotions and deal with her in a positive way, explaining that things need to be picked up, or we can’t finger paint right now, because we’re getting ready to go somewhere, rather than just yell at her. I totally feel you and I’m sure tons of other moms do too.

    1. Yup. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of what mood they’re going to encounter, lest they never want to come to me with anything in the future.

  6. I think it’s just the sum of everything. Not really that day, but all the days before it and needing a break, needing something to be easy when it never is.

    Hang in there. xo

    1. You’re right — it never is. Having kids isn’t easy, but sometimes it’s us moms of 3+ who really get it. There are never enough hands, even when both parents are around. Especially when they’re all so young. Thanks, Shell.

  7. Oh my have I had days, or what feel like eons of this. I feel sometimes my children go through phases of brilliantly wonderful and brilliantly bad. And I know what you mean about being emotional and curt, but sometimes it just flies out of my mouth!

    Hang in there, lots of us feel this way.

    1. Thank you LeAnne (nice name! :)) Yes, the waves are frustrating. Sometimes it seems like it’s getting easier, then I get hit with a day like this. I need to check myself before the bad response fly out of my mouth!

  8. Oh my friend..I have weeks/days like this too..and I work outside the house. Sometimes I swear the cry of mommy(considering how much I wanted children) I want to curl into a ball and scream “WHAT!!????” (sometimes I do).

    I am sorry you are having days like this but it’s normal and parenting is hard!!!!! All day every day is just hard. Take care of yourself and your sanity and know I think you are a really great mom!!!

    1. Thank you o much, Kir. There’s been a huge difference since the twins lost the nap — they’re tired, and I’m lacking in me time, and sometimes I feel like everything’s falling apart. Thanks for your support. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. I have been there, Mama! Some days, I hear myself and wonder if that could possibly be me. I know the mom I want to be and some days that seems a lifetime from the mom I am being. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are human. And you love your children very much. I am quite sure that they know that. My kids and I have a regular conversation…
    Me: You know I love you, right?
    Them: Yes…
    Me: Even when…
    Them: Even when we make you crazy.
    Me: Yes. Even when you make me crazy.

    Give yourself a hug for me!
    xoxo
    Traci

  10. Ugh. I have those days still and my kids are grown, dammit! Actually, I think I had better days when they were little, but the more I talk to other moms, the more I realize I was OMG SO LUCKY that I had really, really easy kids. And I STILL had those days where I was so overwhelmed I had to drag myself out of bed.

    So I’d say you were doing great. And let those girls duke it out every now and then.

    1. Oh, they duke it out alright. They’re kinda rough, probably because their dad roughhouses with them ALL THE TIME. Thanks for the vote of confidence. ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. Man, I totally know how you feel. There are days when I can’t help but think, “nononono, I don’t want to do this anymore!” Luckily, it passes. Motherhood is hard and exhausting!

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