We don’t get sick around here often, but ever since the Great Car Vomit Episode of June 2012, no one in this house has been completely well all at the same time.
The pukies led to the post pukey coughs, which then got all productive and mucusy and yucky, and gave way to my new most uttered phrase, “Cover your mouth,” unseating the former most uttered phrases, “Close the door,” “Flush the potty,” and “Where’s your sister?” Despite my chugging Emergen-C, I came down with a sore throat a couple of weeks later because why should everyone else have all the fun?
Enter a seemingly harmless looking eye boogie one day in early July, which turned into full blown OMG PINK EYE for Claire [insert obsessive hand washing here], a could-be ear infection for Rachel, rounds of antibiotics for both, and summer colds for all 3. Also, every time I think about pink eye, I think about that scene from Knocked Up where Ben’s roommates get pink eye from farting bare assed in each other’s pillows. Poop. In the eyes. Ew.
Also note this valuable pro tip: If you wake your daughter to give her tylenol before you go to bed, try not to laugh when she can’t open her eyes that are glued shut from pink eye gunk. Because she won’t be able to go back to sleep after the drama of the wiping and the crying and the freaking out, and you’ll have a new bed mate. Payback is a) a bitch; b) getting sick again from letting 3 kids cough all over you for a week; c) of course you get sick on a day that your husband has “meetings” at “work” or “something;” d) all of the above.
So we had to push back our original swimming lessons two weeks so everyone could get well and get the poop out of their eyes. Nothing makes you feel like you are living in a pit of filth like the constant sniffling, hacking, coughing, and eye oozing of sick kids, and now I just want to Clorox bomb my whole house.
We were so lucky to really never get sick for the longest time, save the maybe once or twice a year fever when the girls were younger. Even in MDO last year they were only sick maybe twice. And I’m using the collective twin “they,” because yes, “they” pretty much get sick within a day of each other, if not hours. Call it twin germ intuition, contagion, whatever. If this is how we’re going to roll into preschool this year, then it’s going to be a very long year that will turn more into a game of “Who Have We Not Contamination Yet?” It’s like BINGO, only more fun. Or less fun. I guess the only way to find out is to play.
So now we’re sick again. Or it’s allergies. Who the hell knows by this point? All I know is it’s something that causes snotty noses and fits of sneezing that again have me shouting “Cover your mouth!” I feel like I’ve won the lottery of germs!
And at this very moment my husband is bringing sexy back, mowing the lawn with balls of tissue stuffed up his nose.
Stand back, ladies. This one’s alllll mine.