Actual conversation between my husband and me:
Me: So you want a machete for Christmas?
Me: What for?
Him: What for?!?! To have, that’s what for!
Me: Well what are you going to do with it?
Him: Wha–who cares? Whatever the f*** I want! Go cut up some wood and sh*t. Go hack off some limbs! Trees, I mean.
Him: I really need to teach you about men.
Now mind you, my husband is no lumberjack. He was never in the military. He sits behind a desk and does super important computer stuff all day. His most use for a pocketknife comes from opening boxes of diapers that come from Amazon.
So for those of you who don’t “know about men,” I’ve provided you a list of the most sought after gifts for guys this Christmas. And best of all for the frugal gift givers out there, most of them are available for under $20! I don’t know what disturbs me more — the fact that these weapons are readily available on Amazon, or the fact that they’re so damn cheap. Also, extreme Amazon Affiliate linkage going on here.
According to friends, this piece could be used to kill zombies, clear brush and create shooting lanes, or like most responses, “I have no idea why my husband has this.”
You don’t want to get lost while out hacking limbs and sh*t!
I don’t know why this one’s cheaper. It looks way more badass. Every inch is covered in some kinda blade. Leaving this one off the list for fear that he will stab himself while hacking away at our sad excuse for a pomegranate tree.
Now this…this I might actually get him. He’s a man of many needs, and this multi tool will give him the ability to remove tiny screws from laptops AND open diaper boxes from Amazon. I don’t know which is my favorite feature — the toothpick for after meals or the 8x power lens for magnification OR FIRE STARTING.
All you need to know you get from one review: ”I would’ve not put a star but they are terrible but are reliable. I threw one and it hit the wood I then there was a rattle snake going after my cousin I threw all the ones that I had left and killed the snake with them.”
Yup. That just happened.
But if you’re going to play around with blades, why not go all out and get an effing Samurai sword?
Have you SEEN Kill Bill? Took Lucy Liu’s head clean off. Unfortunately research has not been conducted to show how it fares with zombies or pomegranate trees.
What’s on YOUR guy’s list this Christmas?