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A Sharp Guy’s Christmas List

Actual conversation between my husband and me:

Me: So you want a machete for Christmas?
Him: Yup.
Me: What for?
Him: What for?!?! To have, that’s what for!
Me: Well what are you going to do with it?
Him: Wha–who cares? Whatever the f*** I want! Go cut up some wood and sh*t. Go hack off some limbs! Trees, I mean.
Me: Okay…..
Him: I really need to teach you about men.

Now mind you, my husband is no lumberjack. He was never in the military. He sits behind a desk and does super important computer stuff all day. His most use for a pocketknife comes from opening boxes of diapers that come from Amazon.

So for those of you who don’t “know about men,” I’ve provided you a list of the most sought after gifts for guys this Christmas. And best of all for the frugal gift givers out there, most of them are available for under $20! I don’t know what disturbs me more — the fact that these weapons are readily available on Amazon, or the fact that they’re so damn cheap. Also, extreme Amazon Affiliate linkage going on here.

Gerber 31-000705 Gator Machete Pro, Nylon Sheath

Gerber 31-000705 Gator Machete Pro

According to friends, this piece could be used to kill zombies, clear brush and create shooting lanes, or like most responses, “I have no idea why my husband has this.”

United Cutlery UC2836 M48 Ranger Hawk Axe (with Compass!)

United Cutlery UC2836 M48 Ranger Hawk Axe with Compass

You don’t want to get lost while out hacking limbs and sh*t!

Black Ronin Tomahawk w/ Black Nylon Sheath

Black Ronin Tomahawk w/ Black Nylon Sheath

I don’t know why this one’s cheaper. It looks way more badass. Every inch is covered in some kinda blade. Leaving this one off the list for fear that he will stab himself while hacking away at our sad excuse for a pomegranate tree.

Tool Logic CC1SB Credit Card Companion with 2-Inch Serrated Knife, Translucent Black

Tool Logic CC1SB Credit Card Companion with 2-Inch Serrated Knife, Translucent Black

Now this…this I might actually get him. He’s a man of many needs, and this multi tool will give him the ability to remove tiny screws from laptops AND open diaper boxes from Amazon.  I don’t know which is my favorite feature —  the toothpick for after meals or the 8x power lens for magnification OR FIRE STARTING.

6 Pc Throwing Knives Variety: Ridge Runner Lightning Throwers 6 Pc Variety

6 Pc Throwing Knives Variety: Ridge Runner Lightning Throwers 6 Pc Variety

All you need to know you get from one review: ”I would’ve not put a star but they are terrible but are reliable. I threw one and it hit the wood I then there was a rattle snake going after my cousin I threw all the ones that I had left and killed the snake with them.”

Yup. That just happened.

 

But if you’re going to play around with blades, why not go all out and get an effing Samurai sword?

Musashi – Kobuse Folded – San Mai Katana Sword – Koi Bamboo Red

Musashi - Kobuse Folded - San Mai Katana Sword - Koi Bamboo Red

Have you SEEN Kill Bill? Took Lucy Liu’s head clean off. Unfortunately research has not been conducted to show how it fares with zombies or pomegranate trees.

 

What’s on YOUR guy’s list this Christmas?

 

 

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Leigh Ann Torres
Writer, artist, wife, cook, maid, bookkeeper, mom to twins plus one...all around genie in a bottle, except you only get one wish, and it has to be reasonable.
5 Comments
  1. You should get him a plastic one for a kids ninja costume. Heh.

  2. Oh I really like that credit card one!
    I need C to fix my computer… S took all the keys off of it!
    Time for a trip to Canada!!! xo

  3. I’ll give you an A for effort. The selection of “sharp stuff” is only the tip of the iceberg, though. And I hope no one draws up the picture that I am some fat IT guy who has a blade fetish ;) Boy Scout over here, thank you!

    @LeighAnn, are you using a Mac laptop?

  4. What a great collection of holiday gifts! Amazon is amaing. I remember when they used to just sell books.

  5. So, I read:

    Me: So you want a machete for Christmas?
    Him: Yup.
    Me: What for?

    And I said to myself, “Because MACHETE!”

    I wouldn’t mind that sword. All I have is a decent ninja sword, and it’s in my husband’s closet, along with his katana and some other blades, some of them (like the ninja sword and the katana) sharp.

    Oh, and there’s the Klingon knife in my office. Talk about SHARP!

    OK, I’m weird.

    On my husband’s list for this Christmas is something leather that has arrived and which I need to wrap Real Soon Now. There’s something that was on his amazon.com wishlist which arrived with several other presents, and that is already wrapped.

    I still have to figure out what kids are getting..,,

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