Watch your texts

Christian was a little later than usual getting home from work yesterday — never mind that later than usual is the new usual, and I’m starting to have suspicions that he’s trying to minimize his time here. Which is upsetting, considering how much love, affection, and general kumbayah-ness goes on during the hours of 5 and 7 pm in this house. It’s an all out love fest disguised by copious yelling, screaming, and pouting. The kids take part too.

So sometime during the dinner time festivities, I saw a text from my beloved with my two favorite words: “Almost home.” Hooray! I would soon be relieved from my duties and free to do important things like check my Instagram feed.

So I waited. And I slung applesauce at the children. And waited. Tossed some goldfish their way. And waited.

I love the guy. But he does this sometimes. He’ll text “On the road!” which generally means he just left. “On my way!” means he’s packing up his things. So “Almost home” means that he’s right around the corner…from someone’s house, I’m sure.

I picked up my phone and started to peck out a curt “Almost home? Almost HOME?” Where the hell are you mother——, I’m dying over here!” [Insert angry emoji here]

And then I stopped.

What if something was really wrong?

What if there was an accident? What if he was hurt? What if he was lying in a ditch on the side of the road, unable to reach his device and tell me one more time just how much he loved and adored me? [I know. Here’s a tissue.]

Would I really want that to be the last message I ever send him?


Because when the first officers appear on the accident scene, search the surrounding areas of broken glass and strewn bumbers, and locate his device to scroll through his contacts for the all important ICE listing, the last thing I need is for them to read his message and go, “Whoa. This dude’s wife is a total bitch.”


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  1. Oh my goodness. Priceless. My hubs texts “omw” (or sometimes “onw” from autocorrect or fat fingers), which means “on my way”. Which means he just left work…unless he’s on the phone and forgets to tell me and comes breezing through the door randomly.

    1. Ha! I’m usually texting him by 5:45 if I haven’t heard from him or 6 if he isn’t home yet. I’m like a warden!

  2. I always get “On my way” so I finally asked, “when do you send that?” and he told me right before he leaves the parking lot of his office so then I know, barring any delay he should be home in about 10 minutes. Thank God. 😉

    1. Ha, I’ve asked too. It went “On my way!” … “where are you?” … “I just left.” Hmph.

  3. Sorry. I got caught in a wicked hand in poker. I’d say it won’t happen again, but it probably will

  4. Haha! Good advice. (Of course, he shouldn’t be texting anyways.) I’m that way about diaries. I’ve never really been able to keep one because I’m always worried that I’ll have had a bad day and write an angry entry and then die. I don’t want them to find the diary and think I died mad at them. Silly, yes but I can’t help myself.

    1. Traci, that is so insanely adorable. I hope no one find my journals in that case. I only tended to journal when I was pissed.

  5. Hah! I usually tap out a polite, “What time do you think you’ll be home for dinner?” The promise of a home cooked meal usually gets me a faster reply than a “When are you coming home to save me from your children?” Heh.

  6. Our convo goes like this:

    Me: ETA (no time for question marks)
    Him: 10mins
    Me: Are you driving?!?! You’ll be sorry when u get caught
    Him: No in car now
    Me: SO YOU JUST LEFT?! WTH I am dying on the vine here
    Him: Ok stop texting me and I am on my way

    (I love this post of yours. Sending to him)

    1. You mean you’re not a ray of sunshine all the time? I’ll believe it when I see it. 😉

  7. This is so true and so funny. I had a moment like that this week when I was mad at my husband and had the urge to send him a not-so-nice text when I got to work letting him know I wasn’t over it just because I left . I refrained. And then a few minutes later he texted to see if he could bring me coffee… Which of course made me forgive him…

    1. Oh coffee makes everything better! That or my husband asking me if I need to go for a run. Because when I’m bitchy, I usually do. 🙂

  8. My mind automatically goes to “he’s dead” (or arrested, which takes my mind down a whole different path because come on, we do not have bail money!) when he’s late or gone too long. I’ve sent my share of bitchy texts but then a few minutes later I might add on something cute. Might.

    1. I also freak out that if I blow it off with “oh, no biggie, he must have left late…” then that’s the day something bad will really happen. *knocking on all the wood in the house*

  9. haha I’ve found on my way sometimes means “I’m turning my computer off but may get stopped by a coworker and be further delayed indefinitely” I try not to get upset about that while the dinner gets cold waiting for him!

  10. OH MY GOSH how the minutes crawl when your kids are young.

    Bill is always “optimistic” (as he calls it) about his arrival time;
    I called it “evilish” when Jack and Karly were at the “WHO DAT?” age.

    I’d be frothing at the mouth by the time he’d finally roll in at 5:47 when he’d said earlier he was expecting to be home by 5:00. “Traffic,” he’d shrug. As if he couldn’t have predicted there’d be traffic at 5:00. In Los Angeles.


    47 minutes can be a circle in Hell when you are waiting for Daddy to get home.
    So your restraint is admirable.

    Also wise.
    But mostly funny.

    1. Oh yes. If my husband ever speculates that he’ll leave early, I just say “Whatever, see you at 6!” Because it’s like a curse when you say you’re going to try to get home early!

  11. Its like you learn my thoughts! You seem to understand a lot approximately this, such as you wrote the book in it or something. I feel that you just can do with a few % to force the message house a little bit, however other than that, this is magnificent blog. A great read. I’ll certainly be back.

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