I have some advice for you rookie parents out there.
There will come a time when you will plan something really fun for your kids. A trip to the zoo. A beach vacation. A super sweet stay at the Great Wolf Lodge in Dallas that you found on Groupon and couldn’t resist because seriously, have you seen that place? It has an indoor water park and little log cabins for the kids in the rooms! And my God how your idea of luxury has changed.
So maybe you’re like really excited about this trip because maybe the last thing that even remotely resembled a vacation was that time you drove all the way out to Georgetown to have your cat quarantined at the shelter while your husband stayed home with the kids.
You can’t contain yourself. You’re bursting at the muffin top with excitement. So you make the biggest mistake in your five years of parenting.
You tell the children.
I don’t know what I was thinking. I know better than this. I do. I do. I SWEAR I do. But we just got so excited at the prospect of getting away and making plans and Grouponing and stuff. My kids can’t even handle waiting for lunch as I am literally walking their plates over to them at the table. What made me think they could patiently endure weeks to go to a OMFG awesome hotel and water park?
Vacation delirium, that’s what.
My kids LOVE hotels. Like with a passion that is only suited for obnoxious tv shows and cotton candy. I have to admit, I love them too. What more could a mom want that a nice room with crisp sheets and fluffy towels? A room that she doesn’t have to clean up and breakfast she doesn’t have to make?
Now I am enduring day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute of whining and crying and writhing about on the floor. Rachel asks me about a million times a day if the water park is tomorrow? No. Is it tomorrow? Nope, not tomorrow. Is it tomorrow? OMG a thousand times no, it is not tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next. And the never ending questions! Can we slide? Are there beds? More importantly, does the hotel have bagels?
Meanwhile, Claire is doing most of the writhing about on the floor, insisting that “We’re never EVER gonna go to the water park, Mommy!” Sigh.
So let’s review what we’ve learned here. Do not, under ANY circumstances, tell your children that you are going on vacation. I don’t care if you’re so excited to share in the joy of a family excursion that you’re about to pee yourself. Better yet, don’t tell them that you’re going ANYWHERE. Then every outing will be a surprise! Trip to the Starbucks? Fun! Library? Ooooh! Walk to the mailbox? Wheeeeeee!
What’s your rookie mistake?
Also, because I’m really bad at wrapping up posts, I forgot to tell you that I’m now writing for allParenting! Pretty sure I alluded to it in the past and then just left you hanging, but I’m also pretty sure that none of you were sitting around going “Oh Em Gee, when will she TELL us what her new gig is???”
Help your twins assert their independence — We’re going through a LOT of this right now, namely the whole picking out our own clothing and hurting mommy’s eyeballs with our choices. And maybe making her a little sad that we don’t dress in coordinating outfits anymore. Ah, growing up.
Signs and symptoms of preeclampsia — Truth: When I was on hospital bed rest with the twins, the nurses marveled at the fact that they had never seen someone with protein levels (in mah pee) as high as mine who was still pregnant. Weird badge of honor, but I wasn’t pregnant for long after that. Scary, scary disease.
And more to come! It won’t all be about twins I promise. I’m versatile!