My kids brought home an absurd amount of candy from trick or treating. To the point that I felt guilty, like we had robbed the neighborhood, when in fact, there were hoards of kids who all got just as much. The problem is we have candy times three over here.
I tell myself I can make it through the day with no candy. I’ll be fine. Just chug this protein shake – it’s chocolate! With PB2! It’s practically a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.*
*It’s nothing like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.
I tell myself I can allow myself just one piece of candy. One of the Snickers, because my kids hate peanuts. And Snickers satisfies. I can do just one.
I cannot do just one. The Snickers is just a gateway to Butterfinger. Then the miniature Three Musketeers because nougat is life. Finally, we reach the Holy Grail of Halloween candy: The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. They are in short supply this year, obviously because the parents intending to hand them out ate most of them in the days leading up to Halloween. Not that I would know from experience or anything.
Now my heart is pounding with the force of a thousand pounds of sugar, and I’m pretty sure my teeth are stuck together. I haven’t eaten real food in approximately 47 hours, and every time I close my eyes, I have visions of candy parties where I’m swimming in my kids’ Halloween buckets, munching on mass-produced confections as I go, except the banana Laffy Taffy. That shit’s just gross.
Tomorrow? I can make it through the day with no candy. Right?