Archive for the Writer Category
12
The experience of a lifetime

Remember back in April when I was one of the lucky 15 chosen to read my essay as a part of the cast of Listen to Your Mother Austin?

And then remember when I told you how much that experience changed my life?

And remember when I said the show was incredibly awesome, but you were going to have to wait a few months to see the videos?

The wait is over! Listen to Your Mother videos are here, and I stayed up way too late last night watching those in my show, along with some of the other cities.

This year you can watch the show in its entirety, and I highly recommend you do. Producers Liz and Wendi did a fantastic job of arranging the essays in the perfect order. Go here for the entire playlist, or click the below links one by one. You will laugh, you will cry, it will be the best chunk of time spent in front of your computer you will ever remember. The best part is that everyone who watches the show has a different piece that speaks to them.

Mary Jo Pehl starts the show off with her of motherhood as a non mother in Matryoshka Dolls.

Susan Schorn reads a brilliant piece on how motherhood doesn’t always play to our strengths in Splitting the Difference.

Mary K Moore takes us through her journey to get pregnant in the funny and poignant From Here to Fertility.

Jill Bingamon reads a heart wrenching poem about raising her younger sister in the absence of their mother in A Mother Sister Love.

Catherine Avril Morris shares a beautiful and intricately woven piece about the pain of motherhood in Like A Diamond Prism.

Despite having to follow Catherine’s amazing essay, I read an essay about the version motherhood that I was unexpectedly thrust into in I Was Pushed. Watch at your own risk. I hate watching myself speak.

Carlotta Stankiewicz shares a hilarious poem, Labor Talks.

Catherine Berry tells how her daughter helped her realize inner beauty in a hilarious essay titled Squishy.

Maria Escamilla shares a rather uncomfortable moment in Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby. I will never see a Pei Wei again without thinking of Maria.

Carla Birnberg shares her daughter’s adoption story in My Buddha.

Shanteka Sigers hilariously tells us all about how her mother taught her to stand up for herself in How to Fight.

Liz McGuire reads a heartfelt story about the significance of her daughter turning 9 in On Being Nine.

Linda Glass tells us all about raising boys in Snakes, Snails, & Puppy Dog Tails.

Carlotta Stankiewicz reads us another of her humorous poems, Mistaken Identity.

Wendi Aarons takes on the topic of motherhood in the gut busting The Job of Motherhood.

My good friend Missy Stevens round out the show with her heartwarming look at Today.

 

I do hope you will watch the entire show, and then move on to some of the other cities’ productions. Listen to Your Mother was an amazing experience, and I’m so thankful I was a part of it.

listen to your mother austin 2012

Which video did you really love?

 

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0
Great Expectations

How was your Labor Day weekend? Mine was…lazy. We didn’t do much but hang around the house, work on a home project that’s been staring us in the face for over a year, and go to the pool. That’s what long weekends are all about, right?

Today I’m hanging out over at Greta’s place, G*Funk*ified, as a part of her Great Expectations guest post series. Greta is a super sweet blogging and Twitter friend, and also the co-host of iPhone Photo Phun, a fun little meme that I link up with every now and then.

I do hope you’ll visit me over there. I’m sharing a story about how I was a tad bit judgmental. Shocking, I know. Because none of us have ever judged another mom, right?

Comments are closed here so you can go hang out over at Greta’s. See you there!

 

G*Funk*ified

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20
On convictions and chicken

I have to warn you that I have a raging ear infection as I type. So raging that my doctor could only describe it as “moderate” in his attempts to recover from examining my ear canal with his little light thingy. So please excuse me for vomiting all of my thoughts out on this page in a Z-PAC and soon to be Tylenol PM induced stupor.

Sometimes I have said that being a mother isn’t the hardest job in the world, and other times I really want to retract my statement. I mean, the physical part isn’t that hard. Feed them. Clothe them. Play with them. Be nice to them. Turn on the Netflix for them.

But in just 7 short months since writing that post, I suppose my four year old twins have grown leaps and bounds, and now the idea of teaching them to be kind, compassionate, and loving, yet independent individuals is weighing heavily on my heart. Turns out that this is hard, y’all.

Also, I’m afraid that I will never be able to eat another waffle fry without hearing it’s little waffle fry voice taunting me with, “Gotcha, sucker! You only thought you had convictions!”

The waffle fries and the Boy Scouts have been on my mind lately because they’ve been all over the internets. Many Americans are giving up Chick Fil A and will never support the Boy Scouts due to their anti-gay sentiments and possible funding of anti-gay organizations. Yesterday several news stories were published that Chick Fil A president Dan Cathy admits to being against gay marriage (in a very round about way, if we’re being fair). And the Boy Scouts of America have been making headlines for upholding their policy of not allowing gay members.

Thank God the Chick Fil A story didn’t break on a Tuesday, because kids eat free, and that would have really destroyed my chances of getting out of making dinner. (kidding)

Also, all I could think about was my gay friend’s Facebook check in at Chick Fil A that he was “going to get some Christian chicken!” (I would say that’s irony, but The Oatmeal has me paranoid about saying anything is ironic.)

As I think about these organizations and these companies and the huge role they have played on so many lives and stomachs, I wonder…do I have the conviction to deny that group my business? Or more importantly, do I have the conviction to stick to my decision?

We’re not Chick Fil A fanatics. We have eaten there once in a while when we’re caught out running errands at meal time. We’ve long known that they were a company based on Christian values, and that’s great (hey-o, I’m a Christian too!). Did Cathy necessarily need to come out and say that he opposed gay marriage? Well, that’s his right as American, as long as he’s prepared for the potential backlash it could cause. I guess it’s better than lying about it when he’s pressed for an answer.

Concerning the Boy Scouts, I’m kinda glad that with my three girls, Scouts are already a little out of the question, since I heard they don’t let girls in either. But I do know a lot of people who are pulling their children from or will not let them join that organization because of this ruling (which to be fair and neutral, has always been the policy). I find it a bit of a shame that the Scouts are so discriminatory, since they seem to have played such a huge role in the lives of so many boys and young men. The young men who are being alienated likely need leadership and guidance more than a lot of the other boys.

The other day on the Twitter I caught a tweet from @TheNextMartha that said, “As long as the Boy Scouts ban gays, neither of my sons will be a part of that organization.”

So I asked her — genuinely — how she would address the situation if her boys really wanted to join because their friends were joining, and kids just want to do everything their friends want to do. I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason I joined the Girl Scouts in the fourth grade. And all in all, it ended up not being my schtick. I didn’t go on any of the camp outs, and I walked away with the one badge they give you just for showing up so your vest doesn’t look so damn empty. Honestly, I think it looked better empty than with one lonely patch, but whatever.

She responded that she explained to her older son that they didn’t admit everyone who wanted to join, and since that was a family value of theirs, they were not going to support that organization.

I thought her answer was aces, and I can’t wait to use it on my kids.

I asked her because as a parent, I don’t always think that quickly on my feet (unless I’m dealing with a kid who’s about to vomit, then I’m Mommy on the Spot). But I want my kids to know that when I believe in something, I believe in it with my whole heart, not just the part that isn’t hungry for a chicken sandwich today. I want them to know that I believe we should not hate or discriminate. Chick Fil A can quote as much scripture to me as they want, but I will never feel like it’s okay to show ill will towards someone because of their choice of partner.

I don’t consider myself a cynical person, and I don’t want my children growing up hearing my husband or I making derogatory statements towards another human being. A lot of hate starts at home, from children modeling the behaviors of their own parents. And the opposite holds true as well – my children will learn a great deal of their tolerance and acceptance of others from us.

And if they say, “But Mom, why do we support Big Time Company 123 if they are supporting something we’re against?” and I tell them that it’s just this once, or that our money is just a drop in the bucket and really doesn’t matter because Big Time Company 123 is not going to go out of business just because we stop going there, well…

How can I ever get them to believe that their vote matters?

Or how can I make them believe that they themselves can make a difference?

It’s easy to think that my contribution doesn’t matter, or that I can still model my preferences to my children while encouraging them to think critically and make their own decisions based on what their heart tells them. But they need to know that if we as human beings all have the right and the ability to take a stand for something we believe in — or something we don’t. And sometimes those standing on both sides of the issue need to have a little tolerance for each other.

It has to start here. Which means that I need to decide how I’m going to reply when we’re out and about and everyone’s hungry and hankering for some Christian chicken.

 

PS — My kids don’t even care. Their favorite thing from Chick Fil A is ketchup.

 

 

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0
Sitting Around the Bonfire

I have to just come right out and say today that I am very excited! The incomparable Gigi from Kludgy Mom has a wonderful summer series over at her place called Around the Bonfire, and today I’m sharing a conversation with her readers over there.

Gigi was one of the first bloggers I came across when I really started expanding my blogging journey, and I was amazed (and still am) at the site and community she’s built in relatively a short time. Since then I’ve been lucky enough to meet, share drinks, and talk shop with her in person. Writing anything from beautiful memories she wants to capture with her children, hilarious points about what she wishes people would stop pinning, and some of the smartest blogging and social media tips around, Gigi has been in my “daily read” folder forever. And bonus, she’s one of the loveliest and most authentic bloggers out there (and fellow Listen to Your Mother alum). Then she had to up and move to California, but I guess it can’t always be about me, can it?

I can’t tell you how ecstatic I was when she asked me to be a part of her Around the Bonfire guest post series. I don’t normally squee, but I may have squeed juuuuuuust a little. Or a lot. So thank you Gigi for the amazing opportunity to share my words with your audience, and to the rest of you, I really hope you’ll hop on over to visit me. Since the series is all about sitting and chatting with your girlfriends, I’m talking about what I don’t want to talk about when I’m with my girlfriends.

 

Kludgy Mom

Happy Wednesday! Comments are closed here so you can take your love over to Gigi’s.

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10
The things I do in the name of research

The family and I went on a little staycation last week.

We didn’t have any vacations plans this summer, and we’ve definitely been feeling the pressure of our kids being out of school and our friends posting all of their fabulous vacation pics on Facebook.

We haven’t been on a trip since our last one in 2009, and well…we returned home from that one with a little stowaway. So I’ll say we were long overdue. For a vacation, not another stowaway. Please.

Technically I was “on assignment.” We had the gracious opportunity to stay at the Lakeway Resort and Spa, just outside of Austin, for a night and take advantage of some of their gorgeous amenities. I tell ya, the things I do in the name of research.

lakeway resort and spa 1

 

First off, we learned that goggles are totally awesome as are grilled cheeses by the pool.

 

lakeway resort and spa 2

 

We researched the pool. At length. Claire and Rachel are turning into little fish, practically teaching themselves to swim before their lessons start later this month. And just try and convince Zoe that she’s not one of them.

 

lakeway resort and spa 3

 

We researched the dynamic of two individuals when they drop their kids off for complimentary child care and hightail it to dinner. We also learned how quickly two adults can eat before the child care closes for the evening.

I did some very in depth research on this here sandwich and Fireman’s #4.

 

lakeway resort and spa 4

I don’t recall the last time we had an evening out together, just the two of us. It must have been last summer when Christian’s mom came. LAST SUMMER, Y’ALL. But we managed to work through the awkwardness of “What the hell do we talk about when we have no one to repeatedly tell to sit down-eat your food-get your hand out of your drink!”

lakeway resort and spa

So with no one to reprimand, we just laughed and rolled our eyes at the table of ladies who blatantly ignored their poor waiter as he asked them not once, but twice if they needed anything. Poor guy even rounded the table to approach from a different angle, at no avail.

Ignorant restaurant patrons aside, nature presented us with one of the most dazzling sunsets I’ve ever seen. Sunsets on Lake Travis are hard to beat. And also don’t require any photo editing (holla!).

lakeway resort and spa 9

Later we learned that the 5 of us can share a hotel room and not go completely insane. Key word: completely. And also, beds are fun. And no amount of swimming will sufficiently wear Claire out when she’s taken a nap, but mere seconds after declaring that she’s not tired, she’ll hunker down at the foot of the bed and pass out.

lakeway resort and spa 10

Morning came waaaaaay too early (damn you crack of light peeking through the black out curtains!), but Big Bird saved the day and I was able to step out and enjoy some quiet morning air on the patio.

lakeway resort and spa 11

This is also where I learned that a) my kids won’t give me 5 minutes alone to enjoy this lovely view, b) I can’t make coffee worth a damn in a coffee pot that’s not mine, and the rest of the hotel learned that IT’S MORNING AND IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP WHY IS EVERYONE ASLEEP WHEN THERE IS SWIMMING TO DO.

lakeway resort and spa 12

Oh look, more swimming. Research in the pool concluded that swimming makes you have to pee every 5 minutes. And also my 4 year olds are tanner than me times a thousand.

lakeway resort and spa 13

Final conclusion? I’ll let you decide.

lakeway resort and spa 14

Now head on over and read my actual review and stuff. Did you take a vacation this summer?

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14
Genie at a Conference

Last Saturday I was one lucky gal attending my second MomCom Austin Conference. My friend, fellow blogger, and all around event planning-mom-ninja-badass Trish Morrison is the brains (and beauty, I might add) behind this operation, and I have to say, this time she may have outdone herself. I came away with a lot of inspiration, a new girl crush, and a whole lot of laughs with my blogging and social media gal pals.

The day started off with a bang with first speaker Tiffany Harelik. Tiffany is the author of the Trailer Food Diaries, which started off as a blog, and gained enough popularity that she published a  cookbook  sharing recipes from some of Austin’s most beloved food trucks. She now also has a Portland edition in the works. Check out her Kickstarter page and help her reach her goal so she can publish it!

Tiffany’s great grandfather started a banana cart, which grew into a fruit stand, which led to him eventually owning three general stores. So food trucks are kind of in her blood. She found herself in a job that she hated, affecting her health, life, and relationships, so she quit (actually, they said if she didn’t quit they’d fire her. At least it was mutual?).

I love stories like Tiffany’s — true, honest to God testimonials about the American Dream. Not starting a business and making tons of money, but finding something you love and running with it, seeing where it takes you. And what I love even more is that in telling the stories of others who have risked everything for a chance to do something they love, Tiffany found her own American dream. She’s making her own way, trekking around the world, eating some amazing food, living her life, and loving it. And she is just so dang cute and nice.

tiffany harelik

Bland and boring meets BOLD AND FIESTY! I'll let you guess which one's which.

Tiffany reminded me of what I know in my heart, but all too often forget: that it’s not necessarily about the money. It’s about your dreams and doing what you love. And I truly believe that if you do what you love (and you’re good at it), the money will follow.

“If you dare to dream, you get a chance to do it” — Roy Spence, owner of Royito’s (and the “S” in GSD&M Advertising)

The keynote speaker of the day was Sabrina Parsons, owner and CEO of Palo Alto Software. Sabrina spoke a lot about the importance of pricing your product or service effectively, but what I found most interesting was her tidbits on work life balance that crept into the presentation. She’s a hard working career woman with a demanding job, but that didn’t stop her from interviewing one of her prospective employees while nursing her newborn (with a cover!). Why are we sometimes surprised to learn that a high powered executive is also a devoted mom who took her child on a business trip because it was his birthday and welcomes all three of her kids in her bed at night because she doesn’t get to see them during the day?

Sabrina urged us all, in whatever field we’re in, to value our time. Don’t be apologetic for being assertive about your price (freelance writers, I’m talking to you!). Work hard, and bring value to the table.

“Your wingspan is never going to be wider. You just have to figure out the juggling act.” — Sabrina Parsons, Palo Alto Software

On the topic of Enteprenuership and Family was Marissa Vogel, founder of local non profit Little Helping Hands, an organization that strives to get children involved in volunteer work and community service at a young age, building a strong foundation for life long respect for those in need and the environment around us.

I likened Marissa’s story a lot to Tiffany’s in that she had a light bulb moment and an idea that she couldn’t stop thinking about that led her to where she is today. She pursued this idea, knowing that it had potential to be something big, even if it meant quitting her job to start something that wouldn’t necessarily guarantee an income, and many, many difficult conversations with her husband. But in the end, she had the support system she needed to follow her dream, and she wakes up every morning completely in love with her chosen path.

It wasn’t a fairy tale. Marissa admits it was, and still is, a lot of hard work, with little sleep and personal time in the beginning, but in the end it was necessary and worth it to work towards her goal. And communicating with your family about your goals is key in making it all work.

I’m honestly in love with the opportunity Marissa has created, and my blogger friends and I hopefully have an event in the works to volunteer as a group with our kids. So I’ll keep you posted on that!

Finally, the last lady of the day was none other than local writer, humorist, Parent’s Magazine award winning blogger, and all around sassy blonde, Wendi Aarons. You’ve heard me talk about Wendi before, as she is also the producer of Listen to Your Mother Austin, who may or may not have had something to do with that fluke of me getting into the show.

I absolutely adore Wendi, and it’s not just because she’s so funny. In fact, she kind of pisses me off because she’s so effortless about it. But she’s also kind, generous, and incredibly humble. You’ll get a bit of a surprise when after reading her work, you expect a loud, brazen broad to step up to the mic, and instead you get a soft spoken, sweet sounding blonde who spits out her killer one liners like the rest of us breathe air.

Okay, enough of me waxing poetic about Wendi; you want to hear what she talked about. Wendi gave us a little rundown on how to be funny, straight from the source — like getting cello lessons from Yo-Yo Ma or something. No one wants to hear the play by play account of how you woke up, fed your kids, drank your coffee, and now everyone’s bored and whining (or even worse — playing happily together). Take the little things, the nuances in your life, and add a little humor, make it interesting.

Wendi Aarons tweet

This tweet brought out my wheezy old man laugh.

“Being funny will occasionally get you into trouble, but if you make people laugh, it’s worth it.” — Wendi Aarons

And she’s also a brilliant mathematician:

Tragedy + Time = Funny

 

I had a blast at my second MomCom, and I look forward to attending another. If you’re in Austin, the Austin area, or need a good excuse to come to Austin (seriously, who doesn’t?), I highly recommend this event for moms who are business owners, enteprenuers, freelancers, or who just need a good dose of inspiration and fun. Keep up with all of the MomCom updates at momcomaustin.com or on the Facebook page. And mom up!

 

In other, unrelated news, over at This Blogger Makes Fun of Stuff, I shared a simple, easy as pie way to turn those stacks of paintings your preschoolers have done and turn them into legit art that you actually don’t mind looking at. ‘Til next time!

 

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17
Some poetry for you

I’m feeling very poetic these days. See for yourself.

 

Go to sleep
All three of you
You got up too early
And I’m effing tired.

 

If Claire is nowhere to be found,
Mind you now, she’s laying down.
If to dream land she slips away,
Tonight there will be hell to pay.

 

My Little Pony?
It’s not so bad.
In Ponyville there’s
Much fun to be had.
But unless you want me to lose my hairs,
Don’t turn on those damn Care Bears.
Also, Dora can suck it.

 

According to my calculations
It’s bed time.
Bring on the libations.

 

What’s it like
To sleep through the night?
I haven’t a clue;
I thought you might.
See, it’s been one thousand
Five hundred thirty-three
Since uninterrupted sleep
Has visited me.

 

Kids are so adorable,
Except when they turn three;
Or rather three and a half; honestly
I think they may be trying to kill me.

 

I know it’s early,
And we’re both tired,
But there’s something I should tell you:
The husband who lets his wife sleep in
Will be the one to truly win.

 

Coffee,
Sweet nectar of life.
And sanity.

 

It’s all fun and games
Until someone vomits in the car.
The end.

 

So my poetry skills may have started to deteriorate there at the end. Now make sure to go visit my fellow Listen to Your Mother cast member Carlotta, aka A Well Versed Mom for some real poetry. You’ll be happy you did.

I’ll be spending Saturday at MomCom, a “non conference” put together by my effervescent friend Trish Morrison. I went to the last event in January, but didn’t write about it, so I’ll give you guys the skinny this time around. It’s sure to be a fun day.

Also, don’t forget to check out my review of these Melissa & Doug safety scissors over at This Blogger Makes Fun of Stuff. Is there such a thing as TOO safe???

Have a great weekend! What are your plans?

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0
Don’t forget to bring a towel!

Hello, world, it’s been a while!

You’ll have to excuse my absence. We’ve been living the life of road trips (1), parties (2), and stomach bugs (3). And some nights I have to say that I wanted to be here, but then I just had a stronger urge to watch me some Downton Abbey. I think I was like 5 episodes in before I realized it was not DownTOWN Abbey. I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Do you watch it? I can’t wait for seasaon 2 to come out on Netflix so I can see what that sneaky Thomas has up his sleeve, are Mary and Edith going to rip each other’s throats out, and seriously, when are Anna and Mr. Bates going to hook up?

But I’m not really here today either. The lovely Natalie from Mommy of a Monster and Twins asked me to share a Mommy Moment at the Monster with her readers, and I would love it if you would hop on over and read my post. I’m sharing one of my rare badass mom moments that occured on our recent road trip. Namely why you always want to have a towel handy. You won’t want to miss this.

 

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38
She sees me

Thursday was one of those stupid days. It was hot, we were bored, and Zoe has decided that napping is like “so 2 years old, and I’m 2 years and 3 months now, fool.”

I had asked (maybe begged) (on my hands and knees) Christian if he could come home early so we could go to the YMCA and check out the pool. But I know the dude’s gotta work and earn that green that pays our mortgage and stuff, so I tried hard not to sound too desperate. I mean, he never calls me to rescue him when servers start going all haywire, so what right do I have to guilt him into coming home before I go insane?

Don’t answer that.

But he’s a good man who cherishes his wife’s sanity and doesn’t care to bring about his own demise, so here he was and off we were to the pool. Which brought me to my second problem(s).

Swimsuit. Public. Other people. Jiggly thighs. Rotund waistline.

Oh, I also may or may not have been having some symptoms and emotions involving the PMS.

As far as appearing in public in a swimsuit, part of me has adopted the attitude of “I’m a mother of three, I know I’m not in perfect shape, but my kids want to swim with me, so suck it.”

And it’s true. I’m not trying to pick up dudes. I know I’m not the best pool bod, but I’m definitely not the worst. The Y pool is all families, so there’s no competition, no reason to be self conscious. It’s for fun, and I know that no one there really cares if I don’t look like a swimsuit model.

But still. The other part of me carries the attitude of “WTF pool mom? A six pack? Really? Go to hell.”

So it was on this Thursday with my bad attitude and my ill fitting swimsuit that I tried to let go of my negative feelings and just have fun. We splashed around in the shallow area and cooled off from the blazing sun as I tried to refrain from checking out the other pool moms in their suits, ill fitting or not.

Rachel splashed over to me and threw her arms around my neck. She’s my lover, my sweetie, randomly telling me, her sisters, and her Twilight Sparkle that she loves us at various times throughout the day.

“Mommy,” she said as she hung tight to my neck in the shallow water. “Mommy, you’re beautiful.”

She wasn’t even prompted by my husband to say this to me.

And then it didn’t matter. The swimsuits, the jiggly thighs, the boobs that aren’t where they used to be. None of it mattered.

My kids don’t care if I can’t suck it in or if my thighs have a little extra, ahem, texture. They want to show me their spectacular spinning booty flops and how they can repeatedly give me a heart attack by going underneath. They want me to catch them on the slide and swim with them on my back.

They want to be with me, not my hang ups.

Our kids, our husbands…they see us, not our insecurities. What they know is on the inside translates to what they see on the outside.

And to her? I was beautiful.

Love this girl.

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24
What I miss about working

I haven’t worked in over 4 years. According to my calculations, which are spotty at best since I only have 20 fingers and toes, it’s been over 50 months since I had to get up in the morning, shower, put on actual pants, and head out the door to be all professional and stuff.

I’m not one of those women who always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I did really want to quit my job and stay home. Ugh, who wants to go to work every day? The kids are just a slight hiccup in my long term plan to lay on my couch and be lazy.

There’s oodles of things I don’t miss about working.  I don’t miss spending my days in a slow and boring workplace that seemed to suck the life out of me one flourescent light bulb at a time. I don’t miss propping my eyelids open with toothpicks, hoping no one would catch me falling asleep at the front desk while I pretended to review account applications. I don’t miss explaining to a full on adult that yes, I understand that you still have checks in your checkbook, but that doen’t mean you have any money in your account. Not kidding.

I don’t miss awkward conversations in the break room. In fact, I don’t miss working with other people. I’m a loner, Dotty. A rebel.

But since my life took this turn to stay at home mom/commander in chief/ignorer of laundry, I realize that there are a few things I actually do miss about working.

Drive Time

Traffic sucks ass, but the only time I really cared about traffic was when I was running late. Which turns out was all the time, but whatever. The morning drive was my wake up time, my zen time, my time just for me before I had to start dealing with the monotany of the work day or the ridiculous problems that ensue when you put me in charge. If Christian and I ever carpooled to work, he would get all creeped out by my lack of usual non stop chatter, and he’d try to coax something out of me. To which I responded, “Shut up, I’m listening to JB & Sandy, fool!”

Working My Brain

Have we met since I had kids? Ok. Then believe me when I say I was once a capable, intelligent, and sharp chick who thought quick on her feet and actually made sound decisions. But my brain flew out the window before my kids even came out of the womb, and I have yet to get it back. One of my employees brought me a $35,000 check to approve in my 7 month pregnant state, and all I could do was look at the check, back to the screen, back to the check, back to the screen like a bad game of Pong. My brain simply would. not. work.

These days I’m lucky if I can form a coherant thought, much less make a decision that will decide anyone’s fate. I had my pediatrician call in Claire’s EpiPen like 4 times before I actually remembered to go pick it up, and even then a friend had to suggest I go to a drive thru pharmacy. Like WTF, genius? And when Zoe gets stung by a bee and her hand swells up? Christian calmly heads straight for the Benedry, while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off screaming, “WHERE’S THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER???”

Writing does work my brain, but I fulfill the role of the flaky artist at a level in which I never did when I was an actual artist.

Getting Dressed

This is so stay at home momish of me to say, but I miss having a reason to get dressed. I miss wearing clothes that didn’t have weird stains on them and that fit properly. I also miss my pre kids pants size.

Passing the Buck — I mean “Delegating”

Come on. What is the point of being a manager if you can’t pass off the crap you hate doing to someone else?

“Hey, can you review these membership applications for me?”

“Could you unpack that shipment of toilet paper that just came in?”

“Oh, hey, can I ask you to alphabatize these reports for me? Thanks, you’re a LIFESAVER.”

Seriously. I may be chief around here now, but there’s usually no one to whom I can delegate wiping a 4 year old’s ass, other than the other 4 year old, and let’s face it — that’ll just end up being more work for me.

Also, I had a ridiculously hard time coming up with delegation examples, so either I really have been out of the workplace for a long time, or I sucked at delegating to begin with.

Lunch Time Nom Nom

True story: When the twins were still tiny, we had to run an errand to the credit union where I used to work. I was beyond excited and said, “OMG! We can go to Hill-Berts for lunch!!!” Christian was all, “Um, okay, why is that so exciting?” And I was all, “Hello! I never get to go anywhere!!!” It was like a field trip for the asylum inmates.

And it’s just been downhill from there.

The Paycheck

This goes without saying. When I quit my job, our income was cut almost in half, while our expenses skyrocketed, thanks to the fact that we were now diapering and feeding 2 babies (hey thanks, breastfeeding discount!). But you know what? Had I had just one baby, I don’t think I could have justified quitting my job, even though financially it would have put us in the same place (or better, since it would have been just one).

And then you probably wouldn’t be reading this RIGHT NOW. OMG it’s like cosmic connection, y’all.

 

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